- to the height of it all -


52 weeks of gratitude x2: something i was given (pt. 2)

i mulled this post over in my head for quite a long time, and i found that even though i have received lots of gifts, it was hard for me to attach such a strong emotional process like gratitude to something material. so, i'm cheating on this week's prompt and choosing to highlight what my mom gives me and everyone she loves: her smile.

my mom has a beautiful and happy soul.
it took me a long time to appreciate her.

when i was growing up, we weren't very close, and something that fueled the fire was my disdain for what i now love about her. i hated how upbeat she was and how easily she was able to smile even when things were tough. while i dealt (poorly) with my depression, i resented the fact that she was able to find joy in things when i couldn't. i mistook that ability for apathy -- i assumed that she didn't care about horrible things that happened because she would quickly smile them away. i didn't understand how powerful that was at the time.

it wasn't until we let each other in that we really discussed things that we kept to ourselves -- the severity of my depression, for example, and the fact that she actually worked hard to smile. i didn't learn until adulthood that she wasn't this disinterested creature who refused to deal with hard things. she dealt with them in a way that would keep her sane and keep her eyes toward gratitude. she struggles with internalizing the feelings of others and often blames herself when things go wrong. and sometimes it was hard for her to smile.

but she always does. she spreads her light, and it is infectious. she makes anyone with whom she comes in contact feel comfortable and safe. she works through things i could've never imagined because she refuses to let them take away her joy. i envy that about her, and though i know i'm not a huge smiler, i long to emulate her and i am grateful for what her smile has taught me.


Kate @ Another Clean Slate said...

Moms are special people. I love that you say your mom spreads the light. So amazing.

Yalanda_Meshell said...

I am am just in love with your love for your family. I'm so happy you shared this about your mom. Sometimes it is so difficult to be happy for people when going through a tough time. I know it's definitely something I struggle with. We could all take a lesson from your mom!

esther julee said...

I'm totally with you on that. I could never understand how my mom would go through life and not let things get to her.. but it turns out that it's not that she doesn't struggle but she just has this inner strength that pulls her through.

Britt @ The Pinnacle Project said...

She really does, and I am so happy that she is my mother!

Britt @ The Pinnacle Project said...

Exactly! She is one of my "pinnacles." :)

Britt @ The Pinnacle Project said...

Exactly what I had to learn!