the other day i found myself praying and asking god to take away a certain struggle from my life. i was frustrated with the feeling that this struggle was a "side effect" of being obedient to the path to which he directed me. i couldn't understand why he was allowing me to suffer in addition to what i felt i had already lost in giving up what i wanted at the time to follow his plan.
after that tearful and aggravated prayer, my eyes immediately drifted to the blank wall of my dorm room, which in its emptiness is so representative of all that i have gained this year.
for the first time in my life, i am winning my battle with depression. this is the first time i have been unquestionably confident in my worth, what i contribute to the world, and how what i offer is valuable.
and it hit me that i have been immeasurably blessed because those around me now would never guess that i had ever struggled with those things - like my freshly-painted wall, i was given an exciting opportunity to begin again with a brand new mindset and a new set of priorities. in a literal sense, just having the wall is indicative of the opportunity provided to get away from the environment in which many of those negative feelings burgeoned.
i am ineffably happy.
this is something i thought was only reserved for certain kinds of people - people who are not like me. but i am happy.
it was a reminder to me that there are so many things for which i can and should be thankful, and though it will never be perfect, my path is my own soil through which i can choose to flourish or wither. reminding myself to see beyond the weeds and delight in the beauty of the field is my personal aim.
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| c/o esther |
7 comments:
There are sooo many points in this post that I want to scream from the top of a mountain for ALL the world to hear!
But my absolute favorite is: I am happy.
Just a simple three word proclamation that will permeate and mold everything that will be color your freshly painted white wall.
*YOU BETTA WORK BRIT!!!!*
www.savingourstrands.com
I can definitely relate. I gave up certain things to follow a direction that God asked me to and all of a sudden I felt like he owed me certain things (especially happiness) because of it.. but I guess it doesn't work like that.
I'm so glad you are doing this! :) I can't say that this solved all my problems with depression.. but it was one of the things that has helped turn it around for me.
Isn't it crazy how we think? I mean, if God doesn't do another thing for me, what He has given me is infinitely more than I deserve.
I am excited to really get into this. :)
Thanks so much, girl! I really appreciate your support :)
What a great challenge. It's odd to think we have to actively remind ourselves to be thankful but otherwise we just go about our lives, don't we?
I see these challenges on Facebook and never participate in them. However, they do make me reflect on what I'm most grateful for.
This is my first one! I hadn't seen it before Esther's blog (but maybe it's because I don't spend a lot of time on FB...).
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