the other day i found myself praying and asking god to take away a certain struggle from my life. i was frustrated with the feeling that this struggle was a "side effect" of being obedient to the path to which he directed me. i couldn't understand why he was allowing me to suffer in addition to what i felt i had already lost in giving up what i wanted at the time to follow his plan.
after that tearful and aggravated prayer, my eyes immediately drifted to the blank wall of my dorm room, which in its emptiness is so representative of all that i have gained this year.
for the first time in my life, i am winning my battle with depression. this is the first time i have been unquestionably confident in my worth, what i contribute to the world, and how what i offer is valuable.
and it hit me that i have been immeasurably blessed because those around me now would never guess that i had ever struggled with those things - like my freshly-painted wall, i was given an exciting opportunity to begin again with a brand new mindset and a new set of priorities. in a literal sense, just having the wall is indicative of the opportunity provided to get away from the environment in which many of those negative feelings burgeoned.
i am ineffably happy.
this is something i thought was only reserved for certain kinds of people - people who are not like me. but i am happy.
it was a reminder to me that there are so many things for which i can and should be thankful, and though it will never be perfect, my path is my own soil through which i can choose to flourish or wither. reminding myself to see beyond the weeds and delight in the beauty of the field is my personal aim.
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| c/o esther |
