- to the height of it all -


52 weeks of gratitude: single and grateful

check out the prompts here!

i don't have a spouse or significant other, and i haven't had one since early 2010.

the normal response: mild terror and panic, being urged to try online dating or get set up on blind dates, and ultimately trying to figure out what is wrong with me that i still haven't found my "prince charming" yet.
and i know because i used to ask the same questions and have those same feelings of my life somehow being less than because of my singleness.

and then, i just stopped asking questions.
i stopped asking god why he put me in a family surrounded by these epic love stories while leaving me single (seriously... my family is ridiculously romantic).
i stopped asking what was wrong with me.

when i stopped directing my attention at crapping on myself and always being on the look-out for my future husband, my life changed exponentially, and for that i am eternally thankful.
i never realized how much trying not to look unattractive in front of guys i wanted to like me inhibited me.

if i felt fat (which was often), i didn't go places for fear that someone would see and never want me.
if i felt ugly (which was often), i didn't want to go out with my more conventionally beautiful friends because i was tired of feeling invisible around them.
if i knew there'd be talk about politics or other things in which i just don't have a vested interest, i wouldn't go because i was afraid of looking dumb.

that changed this year when i finally accepted my singleness. and ever since then, i have lived a much more fulfilling life.
i don't choose whether or not i go out, try new and exciting things, or just experience the life i want based upon how i will appear to the other sex. i go or don't go at my own will and for my own reasons.

it is SO liberating.

as a lover of freedom and independence and individuality, i just cannot express how valuable it is to know i can come and go as i please without worrying if i'm offensive with my make up-free face, my back fat, my ugly flats that i love so much, or my random buns.
i base all of my decisions on what is important to me, not whether or not "potential husbands" will be around.
this has been the best year of my life.

there are a few times when i will talk to someone who i know is attracted to me and the old thoughts will surface in the back of my mind:
someone finds you attractive, so you better hop on it regardless of the BS he is spitting at you.
you should really try and lose some weight so the next time he sees you, you will be irresistible and he will have no choice but to sweep you off your feet.
do you really want to spend the rest of your life this way?

if spending the rest of my life single means i get to...
...travel, start new jobs, or go on spontaneous adventures wherever and whenever i want without being inhibited by someone else's schedule or lack of support...
...never feel like i have to change who i am to both attract and "keep" someone in a relationship...
...become comfortable enough with myself to do things i enjoy on my own because i value my company...
...spark up and have interesting conversations with lots of different people because i am not afraid that things i say and thoughts i share will somehow make me less attractive...
...never worry about why someone with whom i share a life lies to me or cheats on me and eventually question my worth in the process...
...starfish every king-sized bed i encounter...

... then yes.
i do.

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